My Own Cup

Life is rough. I have no other way to put it. Of course it has it's ups and downs, but lately its just rough. Like a never ending rollercoaster of just going down, down, down. It is time to go up yet? Apparently not. I'm a passanger holding for dear life, wanting so bad to just get off the ride. These past few months have been really hard. I know, I know, I hide it quite well. But a part of me just keeps on getting more and more sad. For the first time in my life I was kind of, a little, letting myself feel all the feelings I tucked away forever. It seemed whenever I got the chance to be alone, it would just all come back. I would walk in my room and just head right for the floor, crying so hard I couldn't even make it to my bead. My thoughts went from Dad to Sam to boys, to Dad to Sam to boys, and over and over and over again. I saw my best friends so happy, and I wanted that so bad! How is it so easy for them. I feel like everything is walking around picking 100 dollar bills off the ground, maybe even just 10s or 20s, and there is not a penny in site for me. But I couldn't let myself feel sad. "It isn't acceptable. It's not like everyone else is going through bad stuff too, maybe even worse stuff for heavens sake! Rachael, you are so dumb for feeling sad. You don't want to be that person who is weak. You have to be strong." Well I got to the point where I couldn't be strong anymore. Not until one day in seminary when a realization came to me, thanks to my pal The Holy Ghost. We were studying the Savior's last week and it was defintely not a bunch of happy lessons. I read as He went through trial, after trial, after trail, never giving up. I thought to myself "this is how I want to be. Not sad, strong!" until I read the verse, right before He took all the sins of the world, feeling the most unimaginable pain, saying: "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." But just wait, it took a minute then it hit me. "Rachael it's okay to be sad, to wonder why these things are happening, just don't let it overwelm your life." Everyday I was sad I would pray and ask Heavenly Father why this was happening. Why did I have to loose my best friend? Why did my dad have to leave me? Why couldn't I get good grades or have cute guys like me? I'd never thought that that was okay, feeling dispair. But when I realized that my Savior, my almighty Brother that was perfect, felt that way at one point, it was okay that I was. Because this was a lot to go through in the past year. I can be sad sometimes, I can let my walls down and feel the things that come along with life, but there is more to it. I have to be sad, but after being sad, I have to do what Heavenly Father wants me to do. He wants me to get through this, He wants me to be stronger from this. I know that someday I'm not going to feel sad anymore. I know the blessings are on their way. They are just on standard shipping instead of express. Until they arrive, I am going to do things that make me happy. Last Tuesday I got to go to the temple for the first time, that made me happy. You know when you are such a spiritual high you just don't want to come down? It was like that only times a thousand! Some of my best friends where there and I wouldn't have had it any different. I was smiling all day! I didn't to hear one swear word, one bad joke, because I wanted to hold on to this spirit as long as I could. So in class, I just turned on some Jenny Phillips and made my pot in ceramics. It has now become a weekly thing that we do. Temple Tuesday's are my favorite day of the week. When I am in the temple, surronded by kind smiles, my best friends dressed in white, and the spirit overcoming me I can see clearly. I don't think about all the bad stuff happening now, I think about all the wonderful things to come in eternity. I feel protected and like nothing bad is ever going to happen to me in there. I am so grateful for the things that the Lord puts in my life to make me happy when I am sad. I know Jesus Christ strengthens me in those times when I just want my own cup to pass, and it will. When? I don't know. Someday though, and that someday will be a really great day! I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to go to BYU. I don't have to always think perfectly, or speak perfectly. I can be friends with tons of guys and wait for that right one to come along. I can try my best to forgive my dad and I can keep Sam in my heart forever. Can you feel my temple aroma? Well ya know, it is Tuesday!