All That's Left is the Memories

My last post was about our dear fallen falcon, Tanner. If you look back I reflected how I was so sad and how I couldn't imagine how losing a best friend would really hurt. Well just days after I did lose my best friend. On February 29 Samuel D. Rodemack took his own life. He was my president. My protector. My brother. My friend. When I heard the news I broke down. The officers met in small room in the office and mourned our loss together. I have never felt so hopeless and upset in my life. I had seen him just the day before, in student council meeting. I had seen his face, heard his laugh, discussed, and argued with him for the last time. I would do anything to see him one more time. In English all I do is look at that empty desk. Sometimes I sit there and wait for the gum to hit the back of my head. Just one more time Heavenly Father, one more time. When everyone found out the whole school was like a black hole of despair. Everyone was crying and I kept thinking to myself "He was my best friend, mine. You don't get to cry right now. I was close to him, not you. I'm trying to stay strong, you have to too", which was kinda conceded of me cause I know they were just sad. I just don't think anyone has any idea how close officers are. We are a family. We are brothers and sisters. And even though most of the time we are arguing or mad, it doesn't matter. Because we are a junior class. Now everyone is moving on with life, going back to what they did before, but I find it practically impossible. We have to do spirit week without our Sam. We have to do elections without our Sam. We never get to feel better because our president is gone. I hate my fake smile that covers up my pain as I walk through the hall ways at school. As I walk by Mrs. Muir's room where we used to write Spanish and German together on her board. Walk past the auditorium where we did our Sadie’s assembly. Walk past the "C" where we did splat. Every. Single. Thing. Reminds me of my Sammy. I can't rap my head around the fact that he is gone. When I saw him in his casket with his sweater on I wanted to scream "BREATHE! JUST BREATHE SAM! FOR ME SAM! BREATHE!" But he never did. After his beautiful funeral, when his casket was leaving, all I could think is that I'm never going to have him to vent to. To talk about boys to. To laugh with. To argue like an old married couple with. To go to games with. I'm just stuck with the memories. Yes, everyday I'm trying to be strong. Praying every second that my Heavenly Father will guide me, and be there with me. Cause every moment is a struggle. I just want to go up there, kick him in the butt, and say "what were you thinking? Leaving us? We needed you Sam. We needed you to help us run Clearfield. To help us stay together. To help us... be us!" I swear that’s the first thing I am going to say to him when it's my time. Well after a big teddy bear hug, but after that I will kick his butt! I hate what he will miss. I hate that he won't be by my side during our senior year. During elections, leadership conference, Falcons Are Fabulous, graduation... and just everyday at school. I miss his face he'd do when I was acting crazy. The one wear his eyebrows practically reached the ceiling? I miss the way he'd twirl his lanyard, his ugly Utah lanyard and how it'd hit me so many times! I miss his jeep liberty and how we almost always parked right next to each other, in a creepy stalker way. I miss how he had the hardest times parking that car and how I'd just sit there and laugh while watching him go in, and out, and in and out, and in and out. I guess I'm going to be stuck with these memories for the rest of my life. It will get easier, heavens it's only been a week. I have faith. I have my friends and my officers and my ward and my family to help me. And I have my best friend in Heaven. Dear Sam: Please watch over me. Protect me like you always did at the big scary high schools we went to. Help me out, like you did with chemistry. And put in a good word for me up there, kay? I love and miss you brother! Ich liebe dich Sammy <3