Changes Come In A Heartbeat

There are very few things that I can depend on in my life. People leave, and never come back. Family changes their mind and leave you broken hearted. Friends change and give up on you. You keep moving and life changes in a heartbeat. One thing I have always been able count on is office. One year ago I stood in front of parents, teachers, advisors, admistration, past officers, future officers, etc. I took a oath to lead the school the best that I could. That I would be an example and that I would work with my officer family with the best of my ability. I did that again this year, but it was a lot different. Instead of us eight, there were five. Five left standing. From going from our celebration of Splat and our success of Sweet Sadies it was insane to think that it came down to this. Five strong fighters who held on when times got tough. Even though I am now an SBO (Ms. Secretary thank you very much), these people, my Junior officers, will forever be apart of my family. I don't think students at CHS realize how much goes on behind the scenes. So much goes into making our high school career what it is. So much of it is little things that no one would even notice not being done. Sometimes it becomes too much, stress overcomes us until we crumble, but that is why we have each other. To lean on. I wish that Sam would have leaned on me more, Heavenly Father knows I would have helped in anyway that I could have. The pain comes in sequences. Anger, sadness, joy, but I guess it's supposed to be that way. I just miss that big guy and wish I could talk to him. I know I write about him a lot, he will always be on my mind. Always a memory that I cherish. Football is going to be hard, leadership conference is going to be hard, it will all be hard. Last night was hard. It's hard to think I won't have my SBO's to lean on. Chris, Dallin, Abby, Jake, Misty, Jenna, Ana, Megan, Tori, and Joe are such great examples to me and I honestly don't think Clearfield High will be the same without them, actually I know it won't be the same. But I know that they are going to do great things. And I'll have a cutt out of Misty to talk to all the time, haha. It's funny to look back to how things used to be and how events this year have brought us so close. They'll always mean the world to me. Next year it will just be us holding up the fort, taking it one step at a time. I'm going to be a senior and that is crazy. I'm so ready to leave, but I'm scared to leave people behind. What am I going to do without Clearfield? Besides the homework and the teachers and the stupid high school crap, it's a haven for me. A place where I can disapear and loose track of time. Where I can forget about all the stuff going on at home. Sometimes it's just so hard to be home, feeling like what I do is never good enough. But what's new? I'm excited to take what I have learned this year and have a amazing year next year. And we all know, it will never end up how we think it will. Hold on tight, it's coming up fast.

An Ounce Of Hope

I truly believe that hope is what keeps us going. Some people might disagree and say that it is faith, that steers us straight in life. Now I don't entirely disagree, but my life has always been centered on hope. Hope for a better day, hope for a brighter future than I could ever imagine. When we don't have hope, we don't have anything. Well, that's how it always was for me. I constantly look forward to things. My SBO meeting on Tuesday, the soccer game on Friday, stuff like that keeps me going through the week. I wish I could explain the excitement I feel when I have something to look forward to. Some are little like seeing someone I love, some are big like an interview for a job. This week I seemed to lose some hope I had. I don't regret taking a chance, and I wouldn't change any of the memories. I just miss the happiness. I threw myself a couple days full of pity parties, now I'm ready to have some more hope. I'm excited to be SBO secretary and to work with a bunch of amazing officers. I am excited for my summer filled with youth conference, Ragnar, leadership conference at Utah State, EFY at Utah State, the leadership conference at Murray High school with my Toa, and girls camp. And of course workin at Arctic Circle, where the good stuff is. Yah I'm a working girl and I love it. I have hope for my future, and I know Heavenly Father will guide me to the perfect college where I can meet my perfect man. Sometimes things come around and knock you down, but you just have to pick yourself back up. I deserve a great person. I deserve to be treated like I am priceless. Like I am not a burden. I know that now. I am excited for the destiny I have in store. Hope is something I clench in my fist, even if it's just an ounce. Just a tish. I hold it tight, like there is no tomorrow. I have hope for my friends, that we can get past this difficult year. Last Wednesday was Sammy's birthday. Wow 17. Everyone decided to let go of red ballons at 7 pm for him. I was working so I got off at 8, and me and my mama went to the park and let one go. I wrote a status on facebook aftewards that describes how I felt: "As the red balloon left my fingers and sailed away into the sunset I realized I had to let go. Let go of the regret, the anger, and the heartache. I'll hold on tight to the memories but Heavenly Father's taking care of you now Sammy. I hope you had a great birthday brother. Thanks for always being my protector and watching out for me. I love you." There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my best friend. That I don't miss him. Sometimes it just comes out, like today. Austin reminded me about some of the memories we had, and it was just so hard not to cry. I just miss him. The little things. Like his laugh, and the sound he made at games. The gum he gave out. I haven't had 5 gum since the funeral. I just can't do it. Maybe someday. I will be okay. I will survive. I have hope. Never give up. <3