Don't Read This: Simply Depressing.

You know when you are hurting, hurting so bad no one understands. Not even your best friend or your mom. So whenever you are alone you just sit and cry listening to Taylor Swift. Yeah, that's what I am doing right this second. I can't explain why I am sad, I am not going to sugar coat it. I like a guy. Well realllllllly like a guy and of course, he doesn't like me. I almost, well no I do, wish that I could go back to when I was happy. Like the come home and do nothing but talk about him kind of happy. Or the I just got a text from him, I'm going to scream and giggle for ten minutes kind of happy. But wait, no here is my favorite, the oh my gosh I think he likes me, kind of happy. I guess through all that happy there has to be some sad, right? It's like the universe saying: "Hey Rach, I know your supper happy right now but I've got to put a stop to it, cause you know you've never been this happy before and it's just not working." Oh and my favorite part of being extremely broken-hearted, the pity you feel from everyone. I feel like my friends have only seen me go through heartache. Like ONLY seen me go through it. Everyone comes up to you saying "hey, how are you doing?". Let's see I could go with the telling how I really feel.."ohhh you wanna know? Okay well here we go. I am terrible. Everywhere I go, I think of him. I go past his truck after school and I want to cry. I look through my pictures of me and him, and I want to cry. I walk into English, not seeing him there, and I want to cry. I sit there at lunch looking at his brown eyes, and I want to cry. And do you want to hear the best part? He doesn't even care." Yeah that probably wouldn't go well.. So I go with the usual "I'm okay." I know they truly do care and want to know how I am doing, but I have decided that no matter what I say, it isn't going to make anything better. So I just save some pain and a long story about a naive young girl to them. Why make them feel so uncomfortable? For those who know how I really am I just stick with "I will be okay." because I do mean that. I will be okay, someday. Hopefully soon. It just stinks, thinking that for once I will get to be happy. Me, Rachael Fresh, get to be happy. Like disgustingly happy, but then it blows up. Bammm. Never mind! Let's just stick with being sad, okay? I am going to be okay. I have beautiful friends and tons of guys to seamlessly flirt with, to make the pain slightly go away. It's just when I am alone is when it gets to me. Luckily music helps too. "Stupid girl, I should have known, I should have known. I'm not a princess. This ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you sweep off her feet, lead her up the stair well. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town. I was a dreamer before and you let me down. Now it's too late for you and your Whitehorse to come around. Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes. And never really had a chance." TAYLOR SWIFT YOU ARE WRITING MY LIFE! Honestly, that's exactly how I feel. I hope you didn't read this, or think about this. These are my honest to goodness feeling about my depressing life. I just needed to get them out there, cause honestly I'm done talking to my friends about it. I'm done analyzing it, making it seem like it wasn't my fault. Cause it is. My fault for thinking I had a chance.. but I have prayed so hard that whatever is happening, is happening for a reason. I have also prayed to accept what this is, and to be guided through it. I'll keep you updated I promise! Things are going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. Well,I'll just keep saying that to myself and hopefully it will turn out that way.. (:

You Don't Need A Death Bed

So if you know me you know that I have theeee weirdest dreams, ever! Like of people turning into buses and running over mean boys kind-of-weird. They would always be a topic for me and my friends to talk about. "Hey do you want to hear the weird dream Rachael had last night?" Yah I was that person. It's fun though cause we would always find some kind of deep meaning to them to make it funny. “I had a dream last night I tripped over a pair of chopsticks?" "Don't ever eat Chinese food, again!" haha. Well, a couple of nights ago I had a dream that I got in a terrible accident and I had to be taken into surgery that I had a 10% chance of living, kind of puts a downer on things huh? Well I was sitting there in the bed watching doctors and my family all frantically running around trying to fix me up when they told me I had 5 minutes to say goodbye. So I kissed my mom on the cheek and told my brothers I loved them, when a couple of faces popped into my mind. I asked for 5 more minutes to say goodbye to some of the most important people in my life. Julie, Emma, Melissa, Amy, and Kinzie walked in with tears in their eyes. I told them each things that they needed to hear and what I needed to say. Some things were funny and some things were just plain depressing, well the whole dream was quite depressing actually. Then I asked for a boy to come in. A special boy. And I told him exactly how I felt about him and I told him to kiss me. Who wants to die a lip virgin for goodness sakes right? Haha. Well for some odd reason I cannot get his dream out of my head! I don't know if I lived or if I died. Don't you hate those kinds of endings? I do! All I know is why does that matter? We should be able to tell the people that mean the most exactly how we feel about them, lying on our death bed or not, right? I should be able to tell Kinzie to never give up on her dreams and to let the world see her light, right? I should be able to tell Julie that she is the strongest person I have ever met and that she will see endure, right? I should be able to tell Emma that she deserves the best guy in the world and to ditch that egg head, right? And I should tell Melissa that I am so grateful for her in my life, right? But I should also be able to tell the guy that I am crazy about him how much I do care, right? Well the last one is really really scary. Times like a billion and a half. What I am trying to say in my scrambled thoughts is that we never know when life could suddenly end and that we should never waste a moment. Dare to dream, but don't let the world, keep you from living that dream. I think that's what my dream was about. That or I watch wayyyyy too much Grey's Anatomy for my own good. Dream your heart out! XOXOXo

What We Want

We always want something. Whether it's a new pair of jeans, a bigger house, a boyfriend, etc. And when we get that thing we have wanted, we move on to wanting something else. I used to want to be baptized. I wanted it so bad. I was sad when I would sit there with absolutely no hope for the future, well until I turned 18. But I wanted it then, I didn't want to wait for something that I knew I absolutely wanted for myself. And now that I am baptized all I want is to have a family that can be together forever. Like I said, we move on to a new dream we want. But I have learned that sometimes we focus on what we want and not what we have. Yesterday I got the chance to go to my one of my close friend's baptism. Eneida approached me a couple weeks ago about the church knowing that I was a convert. She wanted to know my experience with being the only member in my family and of course me being a crazy Mormon I was sooooo excited to share the gospel with her! I told her it wasn't easy. Every day you try to be better but sometimes people will tare you down, even your family. But in the end it's worth it. Every moment you feel the Savior's love for you, well it's indescribable. I also found out that her family was not going to be attending the baptism, which is so hard. To already know that you are hurting them for something that you are choosing to do, well that hurts you too. You want them to feel the same things you are. Like in Sunday school today we were talking about the Tree of Life and how when Lehi partook of the fruit of life he wanted to share it with all his family, but only a fraction of them followed him. Some went totally off the path. As a young convert I have always felt that way. You want them to feel the joy, the peace, the love. But it's your choice and not theirs to make. As she walked into that room dressed in white surrounded by her friends and ward members I know that she was making the right decision for herself. The whole day I kept thinking about my baptism, and how my family was there for me. I am so incredibly grateful for them and for their support. I have realized that I was focusing so much on the fact that my family can't be sealed, but I am so lucky to have them supporting me and being there for me during that special day. I will never forget when I walked out of that water, feeling like I was on cloud nine, and I gave my mom theee biggest hug ever. With wet eyes I kept saying to her as she held me "mom it feels sooo good. I feel so good"! It's taught me that timing is everything and that the Lord has perfect timing. If I hadn't had the desire to be baptized until I was older it probably wouldn't have happened because of my parent's divorce. Or it would have happened without one of them there. I'm glad for the great timing the Lord has because I know without the Holy Ghost and my faith I would be far from okay right now. But I'm holding on. My baptism day was beautiful and enchanting. I told Eneida to write down how she was feeling right now, because she will look upon this day for the rest eternity. It will be the best day of her life. All the things she was worrying about just moments before, will be washed away. All her fears and sadness will be gone. I am so grateful for her example and her friendship. I know that our Savior Jesus Christ died for us that we can follow his example and be baptized. We can live with him and our Heavenly Father again. I also know that Heavenly Father answers our prayers. Mine were answered pretty recently when I received financial aid to BYU especially for youth. I can go with my best friend to one of my favorite places in the world! And have beautiful experiences and meet new people! Ahhh I am so excited! Now all I need is a job to help my mom out a bit.. Hey Heavenly Father can you help me out with that one? Oh! You're working on it? Okay. Thanks! Keep dreaming my friends! XOXOXOXO

I'm Back!!

Yes I have been gone for a while and I apologise. Won't happen again! And if I said that a lot hasn't happened since my last post, I would be a complete liar! Well let's get his started shall we? First things first! The beautiful holdiay season. This year was really hard because it was the dreaded first christmas since my parents divorce. Eww. I strongly dislike that word. But guess what? I did it! Yay! I went on a date to temple square with some of my beautiful best friends and an amazing guy. So much fun! Just like every evening with them.. memories were made! Annnnd of course I took some pictures.. (:

I spent most of the break being lazy. What else is there to do when you have no school? I loved it! I needed that week and a half to just chill and have fun! Christmas eve was really different. My mom tried her best to make it good but I was really hurting. Like unspeakable hurting. As I sat in texas roadhouse with people I don't even know and Mass in a strange church where I didn't even feel the spirit I just wanted to back to last year when I was happy. But I enjoyed hanging with my mom as usual. Looking on the brightside as usual (: That morning was way fun! I got a new camera, backpack, apron, clothes, panda pillow pet, etc! Everything I wanted (: So I went to church, came home, and had some dinner with Aunt Kathy and Uncle Scoot! It was nice to be with family!

We also got a visit from some of thee Andersons! Love spending time with them. Expecially Pey! She is getting sooo big! Along with her attitude..

Me and my dear Melissa had to do a Psychology project where we sat at a stop sign for 2 hours counting cars! We packed up our hot chocolate and got ready for a suprisingly eventful day!

A visit from benjamin (:

And Kaylie & Cody! We thought for sure that girls were going to stop more then boys. But turns out we were soooo wrong! Boys stopped more then girls :(

But we did get an A! Yay for A's! 170 out of 150 (: Then came theeee best night of all! New Years Eve party at Austins!

But we did come out with one injury. Yes I did hurt my fingers in a cat fight with Emma. Priceless..

Last picture of 2011... (:

Thinking about this past year it was definetly theeee hardest of my life! But I am so grateful for all the good life changing things! Like my first dances (:

Getting voted into office (:

My first year of Ragnar..

And some of my adventures with my beautiful friends!

I have learned as long as you have a ton of faith, optimism, and a smile on your face everything will be okay! I'm grateful for all the people who make my life amazing and for my Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ for always being there for me (: Happy late new year! Keep dreaming (: