My Own Cup

Life is rough. I have no other way to put it. Of course it has it's ups and downs, but lately its just rough. Like a never ending rollercoaster of just going down, down, down. It is time to go up yet? Apparently not. I'm a passanger holding for dear life, wanting so bad to just get off the ride. These past few months have been really hard. I know, I know, I hide it quite well. But a part of me just keeps on getting more and more sad. For the first time in my life I was kind of, a little, letting myself feel all the feelings I tucked away forever. It seemed whenever I got the chance to be alone, it would just all come back. I would walk in my room and just head right for the floor, crying so hard I couldn't even make it to my bead. My thoughts went from Dad to Sam to boys, to Dad to Sam to boys, and over and over and over again. I saw my best friends so happy, and I wanted that so bad! How is it so easy for them. I feel like everything is walking around picking 100 dollar bills off the ground, maybe even just 10s or 20s, and there is not a penny in site for me. But I couldn't let myself feel sad. "It isn't acceptable. It's not like everyone else is going through bad stuff too, maybe even worse stuff for heavens sake! Rachael, you are so dumb for feeling sad. You don't want to be that person who is weak. You have to be strong." Well I got to the point where I couldn't be strong anymore. Not until one day in seminary when a realization came to me, thanks to my pal The Holy Ghost. We were studying the Savior's last week and it was defintely not a bunch of happy lessons. I read as He went through trial, after trial, after trail, never giving up. I thought to myself "this is how I want to be. Not sad, strong!" until I read the verse, right before He took all the sins of the world, feeling the most unimaginable pain, saying: "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." But just wait, it took a minute then it hit me. "Rachael it's okay to be sad, to wonder why these things are happening, just don't let it overwelm your life." Everyday I was sad I would pray and ask Heavenly Father why this was happening. Why did I have to loose my best friend? Why did my dad have to leave me? Why couldn't I get good grades or have cute guys like me? I'd never thought that that was okay, feeling dispair. But when I realized that my Savior, my almighty Brother that was perfect, felt that way at one point, it was okay that I was. Because this was a lot to go through in the past year. I can be sad sometimes, I can let my walls down and feel the things that come along with life, but there is more to it. I have to be sad, but after being sad, I have to do what Heavenly Father wants me to do. He wants me to get through this, He wants me to be stronger from this. I know that someday I'm not going to feel sad anymore. I know the blessings are on their way. They are just on standard shipping instead of express. Until they arrive, I am going to do things that make me happy. Last Tuesday I got to go to the temple for the first time, that made me happy. You know when you are such a spiritual high you just don't want to come down? It was like that only times a thousand! Some of my best friends where there and I wouldn't have had it any different. I was smiling all day! I didn't to hear one swear word, one bad joke, because I wanted to hold on to this spirit as long as I could. So in class, I just turned on some Jenny Phillips and made my pot in ceramics. It has now become a weekly thing that we do. Temple Tuesday's are my favorite day of the week. When I am in the temple, surronded by kind smiles, my best friends dressed in white, and the spirit overcoming me I can see clearly. I don't think about all the bad stuff happening now, I think about all the wonderful things to come in eternity. I feel protected and like nothing bad is ever going to happen to me in there. I am so grateful for the things that the Lord puts in my life to make me happy when I am sad. I know Jesus Christ strengthens me in those times when I just want my own cup to pass, and it will. When? I don't know. Someday though, and that someday will be a really great day! I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to go to BYU. I don't have to always think perfectly, or speak perfectly. I can be friends with tons of guys and wait for that right one to come along. I can try my best to forgive my dad and I can keep Sam in my heart forever. Can you feel my temple aroma? Well ya know, it is Tuesday!

Just Rachael.

So once upon a time in 10th grade honors English there was two Rachel's. Not an uncommon thing because of my common name. It was quite confusing. So the other Rachel, who I was not particularly fond of, came up with a solution. She was "the other Rachel" and I was "just Rachael". A solution? Not really. Emma (my bffe) came up with a funny comment calling me "THE Rachael", followed by giggles from us, but a glare from "the other Rachel". Funny I know. What made me think of this? Well I guess I was thinking about back then, when I didn't really know who I was. And although my life hasn't exactly been peachy, I'm happy with who I am becoming. I’m not “just Rachael”. I am Rachael. I grew up in the small town of Syracuse where everyone knows everyone in some small way. We are all basically related or have been in the same ward with one another. Small, try suffocating. Especially when most people know who you are and your story about your life. Can you tell I am excited to leave to Logan soon, because I really am! I spent most of my childhood playing soccer in the fields by Syracuse Jr. High or buying snow cones from the Snow Shack at my brother’s baseball games. From the time I was small I have been emotional. The cry in the corner, scream at the top of my lungs, laugh way too hard emotional. I care too much and way too fast about things that don’t matter and about people who couldn’t give a crap about me. I hate hate HATE squash, but it doesn’t stop my mother from force feeding it down my throat. I would rather have popcorn or chocolate, my two addictions. Besides diet cherry Pepsi, I would take that any day. When I am sad or mad I love to run. Run in the dark. It’s my escape from the high expectations of others. I would rather watch college football than any reality TV show out there. I am basically really loud. My laugh, my yelling, my voice. I kinda get that from my dad, I think, and my fantastic listening skills from my mama. I love my school more than anything and spending time supporting my fellow falcons. Along with planning school dances and other things with my SBO’s. My falcon family, I should say. I love to listen to songs, read books, and watch movies about love. The kind of love that makes you want to cry. That makes your heart break and your hands shake. From Danny and Sandy to Lizzy and Mr. Darcy. And even though I haven’t experienced it yet, I know it’s out there. Sometimes my mom tells me that that kind of love might not exist. That I might not get my happily ever after, but it’s all I have ever wanted. I want someone to step inside my life and sweep me off my feet. Save me from my fears of heights and popping balloons. That understands that sometimes I need watch Gilmore Girls, even though I have seen each episode at least five times. That when it rains, I have to blast my Rob Pope and drive for hours and cry. That sometimes I am stubborn and I want everything to be perfect, except my disgusting room and my car that somehow always smells like food. That will listen to my Taylor Swift and Jonas Brothers marathons that I have weekly. That will hold my hand even though most of the time they are clammy and cold. He will make all the bad things that have happened disappear and make me forget about my trust issues. He will prove to me that not everyone that we love leaves us. And given the chance to leave or fight for me, he will stay. He will give me everything that I need, like the opportunity to go to the temple and to have a family that can be together forever. He will make all these years of heartache worth it. I am just Rachael and someday I will find someone who loves me for all of my little quirks. Even though I don’t know when he will come and I’m sure it won’t be for a while, Heavenly Father will send someone to me at the right time. Now I have got to obsess about college and getting to where I need to be. Besides Rachael, she is always obsessing about something. I am me. I am “just Rachael”.

I Had the Time Of My Life With You

"We got this Em. This is our game. Our LAST game. Our last point. Make it count." We high- fived, and walked away. I stood there, bouncing on my toes, just like coach had drilled into our heads. Cyprus, got ready, tossing the ball in the air, yelling 30-40. The game was our advantage. This game had been a fight, but we were ready. After all we had just played them yesterday. The last game on our beautiful home courts, we won and it was a great. But we fought for that win. Now we were at region, knowing it was our very last game as a doubles team. As Lady Falcons as well. It was hard, but I couldn't focus on it all ending right now. This last point was defined by me, as usual. I don't do well with pressure, but this time I didn't feel pressure. I felt the need to make Emily proud. To make my school proud. To make my coach proud. To make myself proud. I wanted a shot that I could look back on with pride. The ball came towards me, it was in. I got into position and hit it with my racket. "Please go in. Please go in." I pleaded almost out loud. I felt as if we were in slow motion. It crossed over the net, bounced in. Upper left corner. The girl didn't even have time to react. Perfect shot. Emily looked back at me, we both smiled. I took a brief moment, soaking in the victory. Our last victory. I couldn't help but be so happy, I ran and hugged her. She laughed and headed over to shake hands with the other team. I grabbed my bag and my water jug, and walked off that court with my head held high and tears in my eyes. I still can't believe it's over. Three years ago I stepped on those courts (well the old ghetto ones), with an old racket in my hands, scared as could be. This sport changed me. It gave me the courage to try something new, to push myself to become a better player. It gave me grace when we lost and gratitude when we won. It gave me dozens of girls, who became my sisters. It gave me a coach who always believed in me. It gave me memories that I wouldn't trade for the world. Being a senior is scary, and it's hard. Everything is ending. But sometimes good things have to end. Sometimes you have to move on and let someone else enjoy it. Doors are closing all around me, but this door is one I want to push open. Push with all my strength. I can't imagine life without someone calling my Lachael. Without coach and his odd, hilarious jokes. "Remember ladies; tell your Friday-night dates: love means no score to a tennis player!" I'm going to miss all of my friends and our singing on the bus to away games. The cute little uniforms and the super hott tan lines we get. Right now in my life I'm really trying to put on a smile and look on the brightside. It's tougher than ever. I guess the only way I can be positive about this is by being grateful. I am grateful for getting the chance to be a part of something so special. To be on a team where it doesn't matter where you come from, because you are a Lady Falcon. Where we can become a family in such a short time. I'm going to miss my girls. The banquet is in a few weeks, and I will get the chance to say goodbye. It's not going to be easy, but it has to be done. Thank you tennis, for changing my life, and for the girls loving me for who I am. "15 minutes!"

Falcons are Forever.

Do you ever have those moments where you know that whatever you are doing, it's one of your last? So you hurry and try to capture everything possible thing to store in your memory. Standing on those bleachers, that's my favorite place in the world. The roar of the crowd as one of our own glides into the end zone. The f-f-f-a-l cheer that we chant with pride. The throbbing of my own throat and losing my voice, due to way too much screaming. This week was one of the best of my life. I sat there in the packed student section watching these amazing guys, win! Falcons are winning! What? I seriously wanted to cry every time we scored. Not only because I love winning, but because I was so happy. Happy for the football players and to see all of their hard work pay off. Happy for the school and the reputation we are gaining. Happy for the students who support their school. Happy for myself and the memories I am making. The school is changing every day. I can feel it, and I know the other seniors can too. Tonight we won the spirit bowl. After days of freaking out that no one was going to be there and publicing like CRAZY, it happened! We had over 120 kids show up to support their school. It was all worth it! I keep picturing all of us storming the field, holding up that huge trophy, screaming with so much happiness and pride. I know I sound incredibly cheesy right now, but I just love Clearfield High so much. I know that to others, the Student Government kids might look stuck up and attention hogs, but they don't know how much we do. Things that wouldn't ruin our high school careers, but they add to them! The SBOs ourselves have done soooo much. Let’s see... we have painted the downstairs C Hall, painted the bleachers, started up Ferdinand’s Locker (school store), created the Perch Pass, brought back both verses of the school song, and got banners for the freeway and the auditorium. It's only the first week of school! How amazing is that? I could leave right now and know that I made a difference. It' hard though. I am missing a fallen falcon that I know would love to be here with us to witness all of this. I know Sam watches out over us. Football is my favorite but it also brings back so many memories. Every game I pray that he is with the boys, watching out for them, and for me. I know he is. I know he is cheering us on, no matter what. I wish he could be here for our senior year. I can't imagine graduating without him there. I can't imagine splat, or basketball games. I miss my best friend. Every day I am grateful to have the chance to have him in my life, even though it wasn’t nearly long enough. As I move on in life it's going to be exciting, but it's also going to be hard to leave my beloved Clearfield behind. But remember, falcons are forever!

Expect the Unexpected

In my many years of life, seventeen years to be exact, I have come up with a motto-like thing that I live by: no matter what you plan for, the Lord always has something bigger and more amazing than you can ever expect in store for you. I have had so many experiences where wonderful things come completely out of nowhere and leave me dazed and confused and completely happy. I look back on the person that I expected myself to be and I am nowhere close. Who knew that going to girl’s camp for the first time when I was 12 that it would lead to getting baptized at 14? That by becoming a member of Sophomore Committee would lead to becoming a Junior Class officer and then SBO Secretary? That by showing up to open courts the summer before my sophomore year that I would start varsity on the Clearfield High Lady Falcons Tennis team for 3 years and might become one of the captains my senior year? What the? I also look back on the trials that have come my way these past few years. If you would have told be 5 years ago that by age 17 that I would be the only member of the LDS church in a divorced family, that was tore apart by my dad, while dealing with losing one of my best friends due to suicide.. man I would have thought you were crazy. All of this isn't breaking news. People say I am strong, but what I have learned is that when put in situations like these you have two choices. One: wallow in disbelief and let the world change you into some pitiful, disappointing, person because of the crap that has been thrown in your face that you have no control over. Or two: wake up every morning, put a smile on your face, and just get through it, one day at a time, depending on your faith and hope for a brighter day to eventually come. Sometimes you just don't have a choice to be anything but strong. Right now I am trying to be strong, but man it is just mostly a lot of...freaking out. Freaking out over my future. I used to know exactly what I was doing, taking it one year at a time, always looking forward. Now I only have one year left, and then what? I don't know where I am going or what I am doing. I still feel like a little 7th grader, looking up to the seniors, just waiting for it to be my time to shine. Now all I can thing about is ACT scores, GPAs, scholarships, colleges, and of course being sentimental over every single little thing. I cried during a parade for heaven’s sake because it was my last as an officer! I'm a baby I know. Of course I have my dreams that I look forward to trying to achieve. I want to become a Utah State Freshman Ambassador, while studying to become an elementary school teacher, and dating an amazing return missionary who is willingly waiting for me to get a good education before marrying me for all time and eternity in the Logan temple. Big dreams? Yes. Huge dreams! But according to my motto-thing that I live by, the Lord has even huger things ready for me. What, you might ask, is even bigger than all of that? I honestly have no idea. I guess we will just have to have faith together and see where it takes us. I am not promising that I will stop freaking out, no way! But I do know that it will all work out. You never know what could happen. :)

Fierce & Faithful EFY 2012

Imagine a place where everyone is happy. Everyone loves the gospel. Every boy and girl is dressed modestly. The music is clean and no bad language is to be heard. Every moment is fun and crazy. Everyone becomes your family. Sounds pretty perfect, right? Well I spent my week there at a place called EFY. About a year ago me and Emma decided we wanted to go to Especially for Youth at BYU the next summer, but when it came time to sign up well... I was too late. Devastated, I decided to go to Logan instead at Utah State University... alone (dahh dahh dahhhhh). I am a brave soul, I know. I totally freaked! I prayed and prayed that the Lord would take care of me. And guess what? He did! After leadership conference at Utah State I got ready to go back for EFY. So after the grams dropped me off, I checked in and got settled in my dorm. Man I was nervous, shaking and everything! I sat in that little room for like a half an hour and then finally got the courage to step out and talk to the other girls. We bonded so quickly! Those girls... those girls changed my life. Taylor is reallly gorgeous and so much fun! I loved doing the singing program with her and just hanging out all the time. Lizzy is crazy! She is so fun to be around and I wish we could live closer and party all the time. Mackenzie is gorgeous and I am jealous of her looks all the time, even if she can't dance! Marty is so cool and unique, I wish I had the courage like she does to be different and confident like her. Carly is sooo sweet and easy to talk to about anything! Marilyn is seriously the sweetest person I have ever met, besides Jaecy! And brittany. So adorable! Alex is secretly super talented and I loved getting to know her. Ansley.. words cannot describe how much she helps me. Our after-lights-out talks were my favorite. She is so strong! Lianna is so talented and funny. I miss her laugh and her outgoing personality. She is the spice in the group! Last of all is Lauren.. she is the best counselor in the world. I know that Heavenly Father sent her to me for a specific reason, to help me gain an even bigger testimony of our Savior, Jesus Christ. I have never felt so close to the spirit anywhere in my life. No drama, no sadness, just a bunch of kids wanting to become better through Him. During the dances, singing program rehearsals and performance, skits, gospel studies, devotionals, pictures, and lectures I had the best week of my whole life. I am so grateful to get to know these beautiful people and to take everything that I learned back with me to the real world. Ehh I don't like being here. I miss the spirit! I miss the goodness! It just makes me so excited for my Savior to come back so we can live that way all the time. We are always tempted and being tossed and turned in this world, but thanks to places like EFY we can become more prepared and stronger to endure. I love the memories we have! "TODDDDDDDDDDDDDD." I hope I can stay in contact with these amazing people throughout my life. I just want you all to know that I do have a testimony of the gospel. I know that my Savior died for ME. I know that he is taking care of my dear Sammy and that I am going to get through these tough times. I know that I came from the spirit world to live this specific life and that the Lord helps me through each day. I know that if we endure til the end we will live with them again. I know that if we keep the commandments and listen to the prophet we will have a better life than we ever expected. Stay Fierce and Faithful my friends.:)

A little stronger, fresher, brougher.

People always say I'm "crazy" for running. Like it is insane or something. For me, it's something I can control. In a world of pull of people with free agency and life that can be changed by that, I seem to over-control (if that can be done) the things that I can. I can wake up at 12 am, hop out of the van and run up a huge hill for miles, pushing so hard, in so much pain but not wanting to stop, but i cant control my dads choices, or my friends choices, or anyone's choices but my own. Ragnar is not an easy thing my friends, but i have the choice to do it, and do it to my very best ability. When I would get to the point of wanting to stop I would say to myself "you have survived every possible heart aching thing this year, you can survive just one more mile". And guess what, I did!! 32 hours and 12 miles later i finished Ragnar Wasatch Back. It's amazing how much I have change from last year and how I learned from my mistakes. Im excited for my future and I know it's never going to be what I expect, it will be better. I can't believe that I am a senior. High school sure isn't what I thought it would be. If they told me that I would end up here, with divorced parents, a friend who committed suicide, and SBO secretary, I wouldn't have believed you. I'm grateful for the trials who have made me who I am. I am grateful for my few friends who have stuck with me and for my bunches of other friends who I know Heavenly Father sent to me for a certain purpose. All I gotta do is keep plugin through. <3

Changes Come In A Heartbeat

There are very few things that I can depend on in my life. People leave, and never come back. Family changes their mind and leave you broken hearted. Friends change and give up on you. You keep moving and life changes in a heartbeat. One thing I have always been able count on is office. One year ago I stood in front of parents, teachers, advisors, admistration, past officers, future officers, etc. I took a oath to lead the school the best that I could. That I would be an example and that I would work with my officer family with the best of my ability. I did that again this year, but it was a lot different. Instead of us eight, there were five. Five left standing. From going from our celebration of Splat and our success of Sweet Sadies it was insane to think that it came down to this. Five strong fighters who held on when times got tough. Even though I am now an SBO (Ms. Secretary thank you very much), these people, my Junior officers, will forever be apart of my family. I don't think students at CHS realize how much goes on behind the scenes. So much goes into making our high school career what it is. So much of it is little things that no one would even notice not being done. Sometimes it becomes too much, stress overcomes us until we crumble, but that is why we have each other. To lean on. I wish that Sam would have leaned on me more, Heavenly Father knows I would have helped in anyway that I could have. The pain comes in sequences. Anger, sadness, joy, but I guess it's supposed to be that way. I just miss that big guy and wish I could talk to him. I know I write about him a lot, he will always be on my mind. Always a memory that I cherish. Football is going to be hard, leadership conference is going to be hard, it will all be hard. Last night was hard. It's hard to think I won't have my SBO's to lean on. Chris, Dallin, Abby, Jake, Misty, Jenna, Ana, Megan, Tori, and Joe are such great examples to me and I honestly don't think Clearfield High will be the same without them, actually I know it won't be the same. But I know that they are going to do great things. And I'll have a cutt out of Misty to talk to all the time, haha. It's funny to look back to how things used to be and how events this year have brought us so close. They'll always mean the world to me. Next year it will just be us holding up the fort, taking it one step at a time. I'm going to be a senior and that is crazy. I'm so ready to leave, but I'm scared to leave people behind. What am I going to do without Clearfield? Besides the homework and the teachers and the stupid high school crap, it's a haven for me. A place where I can disapear and loose track of time. Where I can forget about all the stuff going on at home. Sometimes it's just so hard to be home, feeling like what I do is never good enough. But what's new? I'm excited to take what I have learned this year and have a amazing year next year. And we all know, it will never end up how we think it will. Hold on tight, it's coming up fast.

An Ounce Of Hope

I truly believe that hope is what keeps us going. Some people might disagree and say that it is faith, that steers us straight in life. Now I don't entirely disagree, but my life has always been centered on hope. Hope for a better day, hope for a brighter future than I could ever imagine. When we don't have hope, we don't have anything. Well, that's how it always was for me. I constantly look forward to things. My SBO meeting on Tuesday, the soccer game on Friday, stuff like that keeps me going through the week. I wish I could explain the excitement I feel when I have something to look forward to. Some are little like seeing someone I love, some are big like an interview for a job. This week I seemed to lose some hope I had. I don't regret taking a chance, and I wouldn't change any of the memories. I just miss the happiness. I threw myself a couple days full of pity parties, now I'm ready to have some more hope. I'm excited to be SBO secretary and to work with a bunch of amazing officers. I am excited for my summer filled with youth conference, Ragnar, leadership conference at Utah State, EFY at Utah State, the leadership conference at Murray High school with my Toa, and girls camp. And of course workin at Arctic Circle, where the good stuff is. Yah I'm a working girl and I love it. I have hope for my future, and I know Heavenly Father will guide me to the perfect college where I can meet my perfect man. Sometimes things come around and knock you down, but you just have to pick yourself back up. I deserve a great person. I deserve to be treated like I am priceless. Like I am not a burden. I know that now. I am excited for the destiny I have in store. Hope is something I clench in my fist, even if it's just an ounce. Just a tish. I hold it tight, like there is no tomorrow. I have hope for my friends, that we can get past this difficult year. Last Wednesday was Sammy's birthday. Wow 17. Everyone decided to let go of red ballons at 7 pm for him. I was working so I got off at 8, and me and my mama went to the park and let one go. I wrote a status on facebook aftewards that describes how I felt: "As the red balloon left my fingers and sailed away into the sunset I realized I had to let go. Let go of the regret, the anger, and the heartache. I'll hold on tight to the memories but Heavenly Father's taking care of you now Sammy. I hope you had a great birthday brother. Thanks for always being my protector and watching out for me. I love you." There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my best friend. That I don't miss him. Sometimes it just comes out, like today. Austin reminded me about some of the memories we had, and it was just so hard not to cry. I just miss him. The little things. Like his laugh, and the sound he made at games. The gum he gave out. I haven't had 5 gum since the funeral. I just can't do it. Maybe someday. I will be okay. I will survive. I have hope. Never give up. <3

Sometimes You Just Need To Write, Right?

The last time I posted was.. a long time ago. When my heart was broken and the tears wouldn't stop shedding. Well a lot has changed. Not as much the broken heart, or the non-stop tears, but my life has changed. Everyday seems to be a struggle, but each day it is getting easier. I find ways to help me through. Like the bracelet I wear says: In Memory Of Sam and Tanner 2012. Or the song that I found a couple days ago on pandora, Address In The Stars, (which is probably playing right this second) that totally explains everything I am thinking and feeling. Ohh and you can't forget the pictures. The hundreds of pictures on my camera, phone, computer, and in my room of me and my Sammy. Some people don't think the way I do, don't listen to sad songs, don't look at the old photos, simply try to remove everything that reminds them of the person. I personally love to celebrate! The memories, good times, and laughs! So what has changed? Well I am the newly elected SBO Secretary for next year!! Yay! Even though I did run unopposed, it didn't seem real until all the officers stood on my front lawn, holding the big sign saying "Congraduations to our new FRESH secretary". It was a great experience running again, but it was also hard. Just another reminder that Sam isn't around to see everything. I kept thinking about last year. I remember when we were going around to give our speaches to the history classes and inbetween classes we were walking in the hall. Sam was walking towards me and randomly tripped over his big feet! I was laughing histarically and got in trouble. I guess you had to be there but trust me, it was funny! Memories are the reason I am okay right now. You know those memories that suddenly pop into your head and make you laugh at loud? Yah those are the ones that I cherish. Just the other day we were in the officer room telling the new SBO presidency all the things that had happened in there. The most random stuff meant the world to me and Austin. People always say that it takes time, but I don't know if I quite believe that. I mean, sure it was hard at first, but it hasn't necessarily gotten easier. Like watching the show Long Island Medium the other day, I started crying when some boy had lost his friend when they were in high school. I know that in time I won't feel it as much, it won't always be on my mind. But it is ALWAYS going to be with me. I mean if I live til I am eighty? That seems like soo long to go without talking to my best friend. I just miss our talks so much. People are moving on, and gosh that scares me, cause I'm not. And part of me doesn't want to leave him behind. Like the song, "what do I do with all I need to say? So much I want to tell you everyday?" Well I came up with this idea and I trust you to tell me your opinon. I've decided to start a new blog. Kinda centered on my experiences with Sam and day by day how I feel? I think I'm going to do it and see where it takes me. Doesn't hurt to try right? Well I know this pointless post probably didn't do much, but sometimes you just need to write. Right? haha thanks for reading! :)

All That's Left is the Memories

My last post was about our dear fallen falcon, Tanner. If you look back I reflected how I was so sad and how I couldn't imagine how losing a best friend would really hurt. Well just days after I did lose my best friend. On February 29 Samuel D. Rodemack took his own life. He was my president. My protector. My brother. My friend. When I heard the news I broke down. The officers met in small room in the office and mourned our loss together. I have never felt so hopeless and upset in my life. I had seen him just the day before, in student council meeting. I had seen his face, heard his laugh, discussed, and argued with him for the last time. I would do anything to see him one more time. In English all I do is look at that empty desk. Sometimes I sit there and wait for the gum to hit the back of my head. Just one more time Heavenly Father, one more time. When everyone found out the whole school was like a black hole of despair. Everyone was crying and I kept thinking to myself "He was my best friend, mine. You don't get to cry right now. I was close to him, not you. I'm trying to stay strong, you have to too", which was kinda conceded of me cause I know they were just sad. I just don't think anyone has any idea how close officers are. We are a family. We are brothers and sisters. And even though most of the time we are arguing or mad, it doesn't matter. Because we are a junior class. Now everyone is moving on with life, going back to what they did before, but I find it practically impossible. We have to do spirit week without our Sam. We have to do elections without our Sam. We never get to feel better because our president is gone. I hate my fake smile that covers up my pain as I walk through the hall ways at school. As I walk by Mrs. Muir's room where we used to write Spanish and German together on her board. Walk past the auditorium where we did our Sadie’s assembly. Walk past the "C" where we did splat. Every. Single. Thing. Reminds me of my Sammy. I can't rap my head around the fact that he is gone. When I saw him in his casket with his sweater on I wanted to scream "BREATHE! JUST BREATHE SAM! FOR ME SAM! BREATHE!" But he never did. After his beautiful funeral, when his casket was leaving, all I could think is that I'm never going to have him to vent to. To talk about boys to. To laugh with. To argue like an old married couple with. To go to games with. I'm just stuck with the memories. Yes, everyday I'm trying to be strong. Praying every second that my Heavenly Father will guide me, and be there with me. Cause every moment is a struggle. I just want to go up there, kick him in the butt, and say "what were you thinking? Leaving us? We needed you Sam. We needed you to help us run Clearfield. To help us stay together. To help us... be us!" I swear that’s the first thing I am going to say to him when it's my time. Well after a big teddy bear hug, but after that I will kick his butt! I hate what he will miss. I hate that he won't be by my side during our senior year. During elections, leadership conference, Falcons Are Fabulous, graduation... and just everyday at school. I miss his face he'd do when I was acting crazy. The one wear his eyebrows practically reached the ceiling? I miss the way he'd twirl his lanyard, his ugly Utah lanyard and how it'd hit me so many times! I miss his jeep liberty and how we almost always parked right next to each other, in a creepy stalker way. I miss how he had the hardest times parking that car and how I'd just sit there and laugh while watching him go in, and out, and in and out, and in and out. I guess I'm going to be stuck with these memories for the rest of my life. It will get easier, heavens it's only been a week. I have faith. I have my friends and my officers and my ward and my family to help me. And I have my best friend in Heaven. Dear Sam: Please watch over me. Protect me like you always did at the big scary high schools we went to. Help me out, like you did with chemistry. And put in a good word for me up there, kay? I love and miss you brother! Ich liebe dich Sammy <3

Why - Rascal Flatts

For The Fallen

When you grow up with someone, they're always there. In the halls at school. At church. On the bus on your way home. But you never think twice. You make casual conversation, thinking there's always going to be a second chance to talk to them. You share a bunch of laughs and many memories. But then suddenly, it all ends. Something happens that is completely unexpected. Your thoughts are filled with "why?" and "what could I have possibly done?" Yesterday we lost a dear friend, Tanner. A beautiful soul with everything going for him. His shining personality masked what was going on inside. It hurts to think that he is gone. All I can see is his smile in my mind, oh man I wish I could see that smile just one more time. I wasn't that close to him but I feel like we all think we will have the chance to become close with people, you know? Like they're always going to be around. Tanner was one of us. He was a falcon, and to me that means a lot. He was a good kid that made everyone feel better on a bad day. He was a great example to us of always being there for our friends, and that's what I am going to remember him for. Today our school dressed up in memory of him. Wow that was such a beautiful sight! To see a bunch of teenage kids, even people who didn't know him, dressing up and honoring him. I am truly honored to be a falcon and to see my beautiful school pulling together after this difficult news. My amazing friends, family, and of course the gospel are what is helping me cope. I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have about life. After all, families are forever. I hope that fact helps the Birch's. Now we can judge all we want on what happened. Rumors are flying and sometimes it's hard to keep cool and not want to punch people in the face. The truth is that ONLY Tanner and our Heavenly Father knows exactly what happened. Tanner, man I know you are up there with angels figuring everything out. I know He gives you peace and that He is giving us peace too. I just hope we all learn from this experience. That we take the lessons with us. Life is worth living. It's worth the fight. NEVER forget that. If you need someone to talk to, there are many who love you. Maybe I'm one of them? Gauranteed I would be there for you if you came and asked for help. Heavenly Father loves you! Never waste a moment with someone you love. Be open. Be kind. Be loving. Stay strong :)

A Taste Of Preference

Preference 2012 was defintely one of my favorite dances I have ever been to! A cute boy, my best friends, a beautiful dress.. what more could you possibly want? Nothing. Nothing at all! But I do regret not taking enough pictures... hard to believe I know! Our day went at follows: daydate (cupcake wars), pictures (at Julie's), dinner (Boston's), dance (sooo funn!), and movie at Tavia's. Everything went fantastic and I loved every moment! But sometimes words aren't enough to explain.. that's when pictures come in! :)

Another dance down, more to come! I love my life and the people in it.. :) Keep dreamin! xoxoxox

Don't Read This: Simply Depressing.

You know when you are hurting, hurting so bad no one understands. Not even your best friend or your mom. So whenever you are alone you just sit and cry listening to Taylor Swift. Yeah, that's what I am doing right this second. I can't explain why I am sad, I am not going to sugar coat it. I like a guy. Well realllllllly like a guy and of course, he doesn't like me. I almost, well no I do, wish that I could go back to when I was happy. Like the come home and do nothing but talk about him kind of happy. Or the I just got a text from him, I'm going to scream and giggle for ten minutes kind of happy. But wait, no here is my favorite, the oh my gosh I think he likes me, kind of happy. I guess through all that happy there has to be some sad, right? It's like the universe saying: "Hey Rach, I know your supper happy right now but I've got to put a stop to it, cause you know you've never been this happy before and it's just not working." Oh and my favorite part of being extremely broken-hearted, the pity you feel from everyone. I feel like my friends have only seen me go through heartache. Like ONLY seen me go through it. Everyone comes up to you saying "hey, how are you doing?". Let's see I could go with the telling how I really feel.."ohhh you wanna know? Okay well here we go. I am terrible. Everywhere I go, I think of him. I go past his truck after school and I want to cry. I look through my pictures of me and him, and I want to cry. I walk into English, not seeing him there, and I want to cry. I sit there at lunch looking at his brown eyes, and I want to cry. And do you want to hear the best part? He doesn't even care." Yeah that probably wouldn't go well.. So I go with the usual "I'm okay." I know they truly do care and want to know how I am doing, but I have decided that no matter what I say, it isn't going to make anything better. So I just save some pain and a long story about a naive young girl to them. Why make them feel so uncomfortable? For those who know how I really am I just stick with "I will be okay." because I do mean that. I will be okay, someday. Hopefully soon. It just stinks, thinking that for once I will get to be happy. Me, Rachael Fresh, get to be happy. Like disgustingly happy, but then it blows up. Bammm. Never mind! Let's just stick with being sad, okay? I am going to be okay. I have beautiful friends and tons of guys to seamlessly flirt with, to make the pain slightly go away. It's just when I am alone is when it gets to me. Luckily music helps too. "Stupid girl, I should have known, I should have known. I'm not a princess. This ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you sweep off her feet, lead her up the stair well. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town. I was a dreamer before and you let me down. Now it's too late for you and your Whitehorse to come around. Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes. And never really had a chance." TAYLOR SWIFT YOU ARE WRITING MY LIFE! Honestly, that's exactly how I feel. I hope you didn't read this, or think about this. These are my honest to goodness feeling about my depressing life. I just needed to get them out there, cause honestly I'm done talking to my friends about it. I'm done analyzing it, making it seem like it wasn't my fault. Cause it is. My fault for thinking I had a chance.. but I have prayed so hard that whatever is happening, is happening for a reason. I have also prayed to accept what this is, and to be guided through it. I'll keep you updated I promise! Things are going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. Well,I'll just keep saying that to myself and hopefully it will turn out that way.. (:

You Don't Need A Death Bed

So if you know me you know that I have theeee weirdest dreams, ever! Like of people turning into buses and running over mean boys kind-of-weird. They would always be a topic for me and my friends to talk about. "Hey do you want to hear the weird dream Rachael had last night?" Yah I was that person. It's fun though cause we would always find some kind of deep meaning to them to make it funny. “I had a dream last night I tripped over a pair of chopsticks?" "Don't ever eat Chinese food, again!" haha. Well, a couple of nights ago I had a dream that I got in a terrible accident and I had to be taken into surgery that I had a 10% chance of living, kind of puts a downer on things huh? Well I was sitting there in the bed watching doctors and my family all frantically running around trying to fix me up when they told me I had 5 minutes to say goodbye. So I kissed my mom on the cheek and told my brothers I loved them, when a couple of faces popped into my mind. I asked for 5 more minutes to say goodbye to some of the most important people in my life. Julie, Emma, Melissa, Amy, and Kinzie walked in with tears in their eyes. I told them each things that they needed to hear and what I needed to say. Some things were funny and some things were just plain depressing, well the whole dream was quite depressing actually. Then I asked for a boy to come in. A special boy. And I told him exactly how I felt about him and I told him to kiss me. Who wants to die a lip virgin for goodness sakes right? Haha. Well for some odd reason I cannot get his dream out of my head! I don't know if I lived or if I died. Don't you hate those kinds of endings? I do! All I know is why does that matter? We should be able to tell the people that mean the most exactly how we feel about them, lying on our death bed or not, right? I should be able to tell Kinzie to never give up on her dreams and to let the world see her light, right? I should be able to tell Julie that she is the strongest person I have ever met and that she will see endure, right? I should be able to tell Emma that she deserves the best guy in the world and to ditch that egg head, right? And I should tell Melissa that I am so grateful for her in my life, right? But I should also be able to tell the guy that I am crazy about him how much I do care, right? Well the last one is really really scary. Times like a billion and a half. What I am trying to say in my scrambled thoughts is that we never know when life could suddenly end and that we should never waste a moment. Dare to dream, but don't let the world, keep you from living that dream. I think that's what my dream was about. That or I watch wayyyyy too much Grey's Anatomy for my own good. Dream your heart out! XOXOXo

What We Want

We always want something. Whether it's a new pair of jeans, a bigger house, a boyfriend, etc. And when we get that thing we have wanted, we move on to wanting something else. I used to want to be baptized. I wanted it so bad. I was sad when I would sit there with absolutely no hope for the future, well until I turned 18. But I wanted it then, I didn't want to wait for something that I knew I absolutely wanted for myself. And now that I am baptized all I want is to have a family that can be together forever. Like I said, we move on to a new dream we want. But I have learned that sometimes we focus on what we want and not what we have. Yesterday I got the chance to go to my one of my close friend's baptism. Eneida approached me a couple weeks ago about the church knowing that I was a convert. She wanted to know my experience with being the only member in my family and of course me being a crazy Mormon I was sooooo excited to share the gospel with her! I told her it wasn't easy. Every day you try to be better but sometimes people will tare you down, even your family. But in the end it's worth it. Every moment you feel the Savior's love for you, well it's indescribable. I also found out that her family was not going to be attending the baptism, which is so hard. To already know that you are hurting them for something that you are choosing to do, well that hurts you too. You want them to feel the same things you are. Like in Sunday school today we were talking about the Tree of Life and how when Lehi partook of the fruit of life he wanted to share it with all his family, but only a fraction of them followed him. Some went totally off the path. As a young convert I have always felt that way. You want them to feel the joy, the peace, the love. But it's your choice and not theirs to make. As she walked into that room dressed in white surrounded by her friends and ward members I know that she was making the right decision for herself. The whole day I kept thinking about my baptism, and how my family was there for me. I am so incredibly grateful for them and for their support. I have realized that I was focusing so much on the fact that my family can't be sealed, but I am so lucky to have them supporting me and being there for me during that special day. I will never forget when I walked out of that water, feeling like I was on cloud nine, and I gave my mom theee biggest hug ever. With wet eyes I kept saying to her as she held me "mom it feels sooo good. I feel so good"! It's taught me that timing is everything and that the Lord has perfect timing. If I hadn't had the desire to be baptized until I was older it probably wouldn't have happened because of my parent's divorce. Or it would have happened without one of them there. I'm glad for the great timing the Lord has because I know without the Holy Ghost and my faith I would be far from okay right now. But I'm holding on. My baptism day was beautiful and enchanting. I told Eneida to write down how she was feeling right now, because she will look upon this day for the rest eternity. It will be the best day of her life. All the things she was worrying about just moments before, will be washed away. All her fears and sadness will be gone. I am so grateful for her example and her friendship. I know that our Savior Jesus Christ died for us that we can follow his example and be baptized. We can live with him and our Heavenly Father again. I also know that Heavenly Father answers our prayers. Mine were answered pretty recently when I received financial aid to BYU especially for youth. I can go with my best friend to one of my favorite places in the world! And have beautiful experiences and meet new people! Ahhh I am so excited! Now all I need is a job to help my mom out a bit.. Hey Heavenly Father can you help me out with that one? Oh! You're working on it? Okay. Thanks! Keep dreaming my friends! XOXOXOXO

I'm Back!!

Yes I have been gone for a while and I apologise. Won't happen again! And if I said that a lot hasn't happened since my last post, I would be a complete liar! Well let's get his started shall we? First things first! The beautiful holdiay season. This year was really hard because it was the dreaded first christmas since my parents divorce. Eww. I strongly dislike that word. But guess what? I did it! Yay! I went on a date to temple square with some of my beautiful best friends and an amazing guy. So much fun! Just like every evening with them.. memories were made! Annnnd of course I took some pictures.. (:

I spent most of the break being lazy. What else is there to do when you have no school? I loved it! I needed that week and a half to just chill and have fun! Christmas eve was really different. My mom tried her best to make it good but I was really hurting. Like unspeakable hurting. As I sat in texas roadhouse with people I don't even know and Mass in a strange church where I didn't even feel the spirit I just wanted to back to last year when I was happy. But I enjoyed hanging with my mom as usual. Looking on the brightside as usual (: That morning was way fun! I got a new camera, backpack, apron, clothes, panda pillow pet, etc! Everything I wanted (: So I went to church, came home, and had some dinner with Aunt Kathy and Uncle Scoot! It was nice to be with family!

We also got a visit from some of thee Andersons! Love spending time with them. Expecially Pey! She is getting sooo big! Along with her attitude..

Me and my dear Melissa had to do a Psychology project where we sat at a stop sign for 2 hours counting cars! We packed up our hot chocolate and got ready for a suprisingly eventful day!

A visit from benjamin (:

And Kaylie & Cody! We thought for sure that girls were going to stop more then boys. But turns out we were soooo wrong! Boys stopped more then girls :(

But we did get an A! Yay for A's! 170 out of 150 (: Then came theeee best night of all! New Years Eve party at Austins!

But we did come out with one injury. Yes I did hurt my fingers in a cat fight with Emma. Priceless..

Last picture of 2011... (:

Thinking about this past year it was definetly theeee hardest of my life! But I am so grateful for all the good life changing things! Like my first dances (:

Getting voted into office (:

My first year of Ragnar..

And some of my adventures with my beautiful friends!

I have learned as long as you have a ton of faith, optimism, and a smile on your face everything will be okay! I'm grateful for all the people who make my life amazing and for my Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ for always being there for me (: Happy late new year! Keep dreaming (: